Whaddaya Know, Homestarman?
by Shwoo
Summary: When Strong Bad mysteriously vanishes, Homestar and Strong Sad set out to find him. However, they soon discover a deeper problem. Alternate universe duplicates abound. Rated T for minor language and themes.


Before I say anything else, I want to say that this story is intended to be read as a standalone. Although these characters obviously have a history that isn't in the toons, I am attempting to write in a way that doesn't necessitate reading four or five other stories to understand what's going on.

This story is a rewrite of Opposites Attract 20X6, a roleplay by Chakramchucker and The Musachan. It is also set after my story Disenchanted, which is an alternate ending to Opposites Attract, another roleplay by Chakramchucker and The Musachan. Stay tuned after the chapter for the whole convoluted history and some links. Just know that the general plot and the OCs are not mine. Neither are the canon characters, but that should be obvious.

-

Strong Bad woke up slowly. The first thing he realised was that he hadn't really got married to Homestar Runner, and then got depressed and started cheating on Homestar with his evil twin, and then been stabbed to death. That had just been a horrible nightmare.

Then he remembered that there was, unfortunately, some truth to it. It had been three years since Strong Bad had turned into a human, been insane enough to _date_ Homestar, got kidnapped, among other things, and been depressed and distinctly un-awesome. That had all been fixed. He was cool again. Cool and straight. And now, the nightmares only came once every few months or so. Still, he wished he didn't have them at all. Nightmares were more of a Strong Sad thing.

The third thing Strong Bad realised was that someone was kicking him. The fourth thing was that he must have fallen off his couch, because he was lying on the floor. Strong Bad opened his eyes and tried to focus. "_Homesta_—?" He finished the word in a choke. It looked like Homestar, if Homestar wore darker reds and blues, the propeller on his cap was sharpened to points, and the star on his shirt was black. The serious expression on this person's face and what looked to be piercings clinched it. It was AntiHomestar, Homestar's evil mirror universe duplicate. Great. Out of all the alternate Homestar Runners in all the alternate universes he'd visited or invented, Strong Bad ranked AntiHomestar below even the original.

"You're finally awake," said AntiHomestar, without missing a kick. It was amazing how different he could sound from Homestar, with just a change in his tone of voice. It was even more amazing that he could sound anything but ridiculous with that speech impediment.

Strong Bad sat up. "What are— _ow_— What are you doing here?" A thought occurred to him. "Wait a minute!" Was he human again? He'd been human when they'd last met... Strong Bad didn't want to go through what had happened the last time he was human ever again. He checked himself over. He had his face, his hands, his totally normally proportioned head, his spherical body... The floor looked pretty cartoony as well, actually. So he wasn't human. He didn't have to worry about having another nervous breakdown or unwanted male suitor. Both those things sucked.

AntiHomestar, who'd been watching him, said "Of course you're not human, dumbass. You're in my universe, not Atlanta."

"Your universe?" repeated Strong Bad, getting up and moving out of kicking range. Now that AntiHomestar wasn't filling his immediate vision, he could see that they were in a small, windowless cell. The door was shut and looked like one of those futuristic-y metal doors that slid upwards. He couldn't see any way of opening it. "You kidnapped me! I thought we had a deal!" The deal had involved never talking to each other again. They'd both been happy to make it.

"Please," said AntiHomestar with a snort. "Why would I want you? I'm a prisoner here, just like you. I only woke up a few minutes ago."

Strong Bad tried to remember what he'd been doing before. "I was just watching TV, and..."

"I was trying to... no, you don't need to know that."

"I don't think I wanna know. I've already seen way too much of _your_ personal life," said Strong Bad. On the other hand, it did seem like AntiHomestar knew more about what was going on than him. "Uh... can you tell me something I do need to know?"

"Hm... All right," said AntiHomestar. The way he was talking was beginning to bother Strong Bad. He was sure he hadn't been so formal the last time they'd met. Even that "dumbass" from earlier had sounded too precise. "I met our captor. He says his name is Game Over. He said something about learning from one's ancestors that I'm sure he thought I was too stupid to get, so I gather he's a descendant of mine."

Strong Bad nodded. Game Over as a name reminded him of something, but he couldn't remember what it was at the moment, so it probably wasn't important. "Okay, so alls we gotta is stay out of each other's way and we'll get through this—"

AntiHomestar smiled. Only he could make the standard Homestar Runner open-your-mouth-when-you're-happy expression look so unpleasant. "Where's the fun in that... slut?"

Strong Bad winced. That single word brought back a lot of repressed memories, and he liked them repressed. "Uh... let's not do anything hasty-like, okay?"

"What would you know about that? You, who betrayed everything you ever knew and all your principles because you "felt bad"? Remember that, _Audrey_? What about the time you slashed your wrists open and nearly died?"

"No, I mean no, I mean of course not! Alla that happened a long time ago," Strong Bad lied. He remembered his state of mind back then and why he'd tried to... to kill himself, but he'd been a moron. A sub-Homestar Runner moron. It was painful to think about, now. "Shut up!"

"Surely you remember your temper tantrums?" AntiHomestar put on a high pitched, girly voice. "Oh AntiHomestar, tell me what my boyfriend really thinks of me, because I'm too needy and insecure to believe that he actually likes me."

Strong Bad, who until now had forgotten about that aspect of that stupid relationship, resorted to the technique that had always served him well with his Homestar: pretend his annoyance was stuck on a deserted island, with a ravenous dog-lion-leopard-orca.

But he still heard the next thing AntiHomestar said. "Personally, I think the only thing you were ever good for was—"

Strong Bad's mind raced ahead to the possible ways that sentence could end, and, without even making a conscious decision, he punched AntiHomestar in the face. Almost immediately, Strong Bad was thrown to the far wall and lay there, groaning.

"You're going to regret that," said AntiHomestar calmly. He advanced on him as Strong Bad pulled himself upright.

"Oh yeah?" was all Strong Bad could think of in reply. He took a few steps towards AntiHomestar and fell over, still dizzy from where his head had hit the wall.

AntiHomestar lifted Strong Bad up by his head and punched him in the gut a few times. Then, while Strong Bad struggled, he began to tug at his mask.

"Wh-what are you doing?" demanded Strong Bad. The one time he'd ripped his face off had hurt more than anything else in his life, even more than slashing his wrists and then climbing a barbed wire fence barehanded, and even more than the time when Strong Mad had tackled him when he was seven and broken both his arms. And that was with his laces untied. It didn't look like AntiHomestar was going do that.

AntiHomestar stopped tugging for a second. "I just want to know if you're as pretty under your mask here in the real world as you were as a human."

Strong Bad tried to calm down. It didn't hurt much yet, and AntiHomestar was clearly enjoying his panic. "Uh... Well, I can tell you right now you really don't want to see what's under there," he said, in as normal a voice as he could manage. "Trust me. Not pretty."

AntiHomestar smiled his creepy smile. "We'll see."

Then the door slid open.

-

"Strong Bad!"

Homestar looked around Strong Bad's basement. There was nothing even remotely Strong Bad shaped in there, except for maybe Strong Sad, but he was feeling optimistic. "Oh Strong Bad!"

Strong Sad looked up from his book, _Pretentious Pop Culture And You: A Guide For The 21st Century_. "He's not in here, Homestar. Why don't you try his computer room?"

"Computer room? Strong Bad never told me he had a computer room!" said Homestar, already heading upstairs.

-

The computer room didn't have Strong Bad in it, but it did have some sort of futuristic Homestar Runner man with robot boots.

"Stinkoman?" said the futuristic Homestar Runner man with robot boots. His face fell. "Aw..."

Homestar peered at him. "Strong Bad, is that you? Oh, wait." He didn't look like Strong Bad at all. Strong Bad had more arms than that. "What have you done with Strong Bad, robotman?"

"Stinkoman?" repeated the futuristic Homestar. He looked confused at the sound of his own voice. "St-stinkoman?!"

"No, Homestar Runner. H-O-M-E, Star, Run—"

There was a brilliant flash of light. When it faded and Homestar could see again, there was another person in the room. He inspected him, hoping it was Strong Bad, but his mask was too light blue and not red enough. Also, Homestar hadn't checked lately, but he was pretty sure Strong Bad had boxing gloves for hands, not oven mits.

Not-Strong Bad cowered. "Don't hurt me!" He looked up. "Y-you're not Homestar..."

Homestar frowned. He knew that way of speaking from somewhere. Then he gasped. "Evil Strong Bad? Oh man, evil Strong Bad, you look a lot better when you don't look like a girl."

"What are you t-talking about? I'm not evil, or a g-girl." AntiStrong Bad look around. "Where am I? I was following Homestar, he vanished, and... n-now I'm here."

Even Homestar could see the connection here. "A case of the missing Homestars and Strong Bads, eh?" he said. "Never fear, evil Strong Bad! The Homestarmy will save them! Homestarmy, assemble!"

-

A couple of minutes later, the Homestarmy was as assembled as it was going to get.

"What happened to the other recruits, private?" Homestar demanded of Strong Sad, waving a wooden spoon in his face.

Strong Sad sighed. "The other members of the Homestarmy are either inanimate objects or Homsar. What I'm more worried about it what 1-Up and AntiStrong Bad are doing here."

"They're gonna help us find Strong Bad!"

"That's not exactly what you said..." began AntiStrong Bad, and trailed off as Strong Sad interrupted him.

"What? I thought the Homestarmy was _against_ Strong Bad,"

"Who told you that, private? I'm gonna have him court-martialed! I'm gonna have him martial arted! I'm gonna have him—"

"Okay, okay," said Strong Sad. Arguing with Homestar was not worth the energy. "Where do you think Strong Bad is?" Thinking about it, he hadn't seen Strong Bad since the night before when he'd given him that good night snake-in-the-bed.

Homestar looked blank. Blanker. "Uh... I dunno. Probably the same place AntiHomestar is. We gotta find him too."

Strong Sad paled, which was not easy to do with a face that was totally white to start with. "Whaaat? Why are we looking for _him_?" Even thinking about AntiHomestar terrified him. He'd seen how easily he could kill a person.

"I want to find him," mumbled AntiStrong Bad to the floor.

"But aren't you frightened of him?" said Strong Sad, who couldn't quite remember. The last time they'd met, Strong Sad had been a bit foggy.

AntiStrong Bad stared at him. "Yes, but... how do you know that? I've never seen any of you before."

Strong Sad wasn't surprised that AntiStrong Bad didn't remember him, but he said "Not even Homestar?"

"Yeah!" said Homestar. "Remember the time I tried to attack you with a pillow? Me and you, we had some good times."

AntiStrong Bad shook his head fearfully. "No... But my big b-brother usually gets rid of my bad memories, so maybe you did meet me before..." He sat down and hugged his knees. "I miss Strong Mad already."

Homestar leaned over him. "Don't worry, little Jonny Bad. Everything's gonna be all right." He snapped up used his wooden spoon to point at Strong Sad, 1-Up, and AntiStrong Bad in turn with his wooden spoon. "Private Strong Sad, you take Atlanta! Evil Strong Bad, you take New York! 7-Up, you take Los Angels! I'll take Chicago."

If Strong Sad was following Homestar's train of thought correctly, which _probably_ wasn't impossible, Homestar thought that Strong Bad was in that alternate universe where everyone was human. Because the mirror universe was involved, Strong Sad couldn't help feeling the same thing. But... "How do we know he's even in America? He could be anywhere."

"Oh, right, right..." said Homestar. He indicated them again. "Private Strong Bad, I mean Strong Sad, you take Canberra! Evil Strong Sad, you take Sydney! End Boss, you take Perth! I'll take Ade-laide."

"My name is Strong B-Bad," said AntiStrong Bad, his expression shifting subtly from a frown of nervousness to a frown of irritation.

"Stinkoman!" said 1-Up impatiently.

"Homestar, what makes you think Strong Bad is in Australia?" said Strong Sad, though he was slightly impressed with Homestar's geographical knowledge. He wouldn't have expected Homestar to be familiar with even the major cities of America.

"Australia?" repeated Homestar. "What are you talking about, Private Strong Sad? Strong Bad is definitely in Canada. Now hand over one of those dang transfers."

Strong Sad thought he was probably talking about the devices they'd used to jump universes in the past. "Look, Homestar, even if I did have a TranSphere with me, they haven't worked since... a few weeks after Homeschool's death." Strong Sad winced as he spoke. He really hadn't wanted to witness that death. Homeschool Winner might have been giving them mental illnesses to see what they'd do, but he hadn't deserved to be stabbed to death.

"Who's Homeschool?" said AntiStrong Bad. Strong Sad wondered if he knew who anybody was, ever.

"I dunno," said Homestar. "I think he created your universe or something. A shady character if ever I saw one!" He poked Strong Sad with his wooden spoon. "I said gimme a transfer, soldier!"

"Look," said Strong Sad again, "we can't use the TranSpheres. Why don't we go with Strong Bad's alternate universe portal?" He raised a finger. "Last seen in sbemail 150, alternate universe." But of course, nobody else cared about that. "I think it takes you to whichever universe you want to go, so we can just tell it to take us to the universe Strong Bad is in." Actually, he was making it all up, because Strong Bad had never let Strong Sad touch his alternate universe portal. But it was worth a try.

"That's a really good idea, Strong Sad," said Homestar, sounding surprised. Like Strong Sad didn't have more good ideas in a day than Homestar did in six months. "Hop to it, soldier!"

"Stinkoman!"

-

Strong Bad considered his situation. On one hand, he was currently manacled to a wall while some woman who looked like she'd just stepped out of a Japanese cartoon jabbed his head painfully with a needle. On the other hand, it was pretty cool the way the manacles had just appeared out of the wall and grabbed him. And it had been funny when it was happening to AntiHomestar, who was now just standing there and scowling.

The woman continued to stab him with the needle, and it continued to hurt. Strong Bad longed to mock her, or at least ask her who she thought she was, but his voice had stopped working the minute she'd walked in. And it wasn't because she was hot, either. She was moderately attractive, it was true, but Strong Bad was just physically unable to talk. It was unsettling. And also painful.

Finally the woman stopped. Smirking at them, she said "All done. My brother would hate for you two to damage each other before he could use you."

She opened the door through no means Strong Bad could see, and left. The manacles released them.

"Use us?" said Strong Bad, rubbing his wrists. "What does that... Hey, I can talk again!" He yelled at the door. "Lemme out of here! I got lots of important video gam— Making out! I got a lot of making out to do!"

AntiHomestar laughed. "I'm sure Z—!" His words became a scream of pain, and he fell to his knees.

Strong Bad stared, then decided that he wasn't going to waste an inexplicable gaining of the upper hand. He lunged forward, and suddenly a pain somewhere between multiple broken bones and having his mask ripped off exploded behind his eyes. He screamed, stumbled against the wall and grabbed his head.

"Ah, I see now," he heard AntiHomestar say. "Neither of us can hurt each other, and I can't take advantage of your... weakness. I can't believe you're still upset over a little— you're still upset over that."

"I am not weak," insisted Strong Bad. He noticed he was leaning against the wall for support, and took a few steps away. "I'm just a little... tired. Yeah! Tired! Shut up!"

"Of course you are. Now, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want to hang around to find out what that... woman... was talking about, and the only way either of us are getting out of here is if we work together. The next time somebody opens the door, you rush them, and I'll take care of them while they're distracted."

Strong Bad nodded. "Yeah, okay, or we could use that convenient duct up there."

He pointed behind AntiHomestar at an air duct set into the wall. It was open, and it looked big enough to fit them both easily.

AntiHomestar looked around, then looked back at Strong Bad. "No. This Game Over person would not put us in a cell with such an obvious escape route."

Strong Bad headed past him and pulled himself into the duct. "You do whatever you want, Anti-Dork... Butt. I'm gonna get out of here." AntiHomestar was overthinking things with all this psychology of the villain stuff. Strong Bad just wanted to leave.

He started crawling. After a second, he heard AntiHomestar follow him.

-

Author's Note: The stories set before this one are:  
Real World Runner (http:/ /www. fanfict ion. net/s/2577436/1/Real_World_Runner) by Chakramchucker  
The System Is Gone (http:/ /www. fanfic tion. net/s/2769231/1/The_System_is_Gone) by Chakramchucker  
Opposites Attract (http:/ /havoc-creations. devian tart. com/art/Opposites-Attract-33819999) by Chakramchucker and The Musachan (slash)  
Disenchanted (http:/ /clanker. devian tart. com/art/HSR-Disenchanted-Chapter-1-65265643) by me. (some male characters are dating)  
Opposites Attract 20X6 (http:/ /havoc-creations. devian tart. com/gallery/#Opposites-Attract-20X6) by Chakramchucker and The Musachan (love dodecahedrons. gay ones)

Take out the spaces. This site hates links being posted anywhere, which I guess is an anti-spam thing.


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